The Other Day..

The look upon your face
When you told me
"It's as if you have one foot out the door,"
Rattled me.
It rattled me to the core.

At first I wanted to deny,
But I know I cannot hide from the truth.
Yes. You were right.

All these years I've been waiting,
Just waiting for somebody
To come here and pluck me away.
Whisk me away into
Financial Security,
Sexual Freedom,
And a Creative Paradise.

But this paradise...
It does not exist.
It was a fantasy I created
As a coping mechanism
Born from my own fears and desires.

The truth is
I haven't yet committed.
I haven't fully trusted.
I haven't felt secure.
I haven't felt safe.

Truth be told,
I haven't felt safe with myself
So how could I ever
Find that with someone else?

It made me do some real digging.
The dirty, disappointing,
Distressing digging.
The kind that leaves your world
Upside Down.

That's where I've been hiding
With the rug swept out from underneath me
As of a tidal wave came
And swept away the years of

I haven't been hiding.
I've been lying.
Lying and fooling myself into believing
That someone else will fix me,
That someone else will make me better.

All I've really wanted
Is to break away from my own insanity,
Entitled Behavior.

I don't want to feel unhappy with every choice you make.
I want to feel free loving you
And being loved by you.
It's just taking me a while to figure that out.

So thank you.
Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for taking my verbal punches
And not punching me back.
Thank you for your patience.
Thank you for your virtues.
Thank you for being true to the words you said all those years ago...

"I will never stop trying for you."

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