I Am Good Enough (Healing from PTSD)

I'm waiting 
For the fight.
The screaming
The slamming
The crash against the wall..
But he doesn't.
He doesn't yell.
He doesn't scream.
He doesn't shout.
He only loves me.

I wake up
To him pissed off,
And I clench in fear.
Waiting..
Waiting..
For something worse
But he only gives me that look
Like I should have known better,
And I did.
I am an adult.

But where's the yelling?
Where's the fight?
Where's the slamming me against the wall?
The coffee cup that shatters against the glass..
The trembling fear..
The knowing that I didn't do
Enough.
I never did enough..
Enough.

But with him?
There's no yelling.
Perhaps a shout or two,
But the hand never slams
Down against my bleeding brow.
I'm never told
The same fucking line



Instead I wake up
To the smell of hot coffee
And cigarettes.
There's a note on the table
Next to the smallest bundle
Of miniature flowers
Carefully sniped and placed in a vase
That's half the size
Of my palm.

It's all so lovely..
So delicate
So sweet..
But is this real?
Did I escape the abuse?
I don't know how to handle love.
I only know how to handle hate.

I still cower in fear,
Clenching my teeth
Holding my body stiff
As I wait for the hit
As I wait for the smack
As I wait for the punch
The low blow
The awful lines of
"you never do what I say,"
"you never hear what I'm asking,"
"you're not good enough,"
"you didn't even try,"
"you're just a fucking idiot"
Smack!
Punch!
Throw!
Hurl..
Panic.
Panic.
Fear.

But none of that is near.
None of that is here.
Yet I still think it is.
Yet I still feel it is.
The fear.
The torment
Of knowing you are not
Good enough
Quiet enough
Obedient enough.

What once was truth
Is now only lies.
Do I still live in it?
Do I still own it?
Do I still want it?
Or do I want to be loved?

I am loved
I am love
I am beautiful
I am good enough
I am worthy
And making one mistake doesn't change that.
It doesn't change the amount of love I deserve.
It doesn't change the way I deserve to be treated.
I am good enough.
Now I only need to remember
That I am here
And I am no longer there.

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