Some days I want to cry for a sadness that is not mine. The feeling is in my chest, and the tears are in my eyes, but they do not flow. It’s slightly maddening to have this inability to cry it out. It’s like having to sneeze, but the sneeze never comes.
It’s dissatisfying, frustrating, depressing, and tiring. When the sadness comes from someone very close to my heart it becomes something I can’t simply meditate away. I can’t block it out. I am completely helpless in these moments. I can no longer find comfort in that person, but more of a frustration. I see them and think, “Please, just let it go!! Let it go so I can breathe, too!”
I am quite sure that isn’t the proper response because it ends in a war, a fight I am not prepared for and cannot win. It’s a lose lose scenario. So I just sit in it, in this terrible feeling of deep sorrow. I’ve recently come to terms with my own, and I have been propelled out of this very stage in my emotions. I’ve been fortunate to let that feeling go, and have an excitement for life again.
Although, not everyone I love is in the same position as me. What do you do? Hope. Pray for the best. Talk it out as best as you can, and hope that this phase will pass for them as well.
Uncontrolled energy aggravates my senses now. I was ungrounded and uncontrolled for so many years that when I am faced with this same energy I become irritated. It took me way too fuckin long to learn my own lessons, and it was all due to sheer stubbornness. Nothing else. Just stubborn, stubborn, stubborn. I didn’t want to let go of my fear and insecurities. I resisted this spiritual growth and change because I wanted to live in my own squalor.
If only I could open their eyes and see this struggle I faced for so many years. The thing is, though… Is that I can’t. I can’t change their minds. I can’t open their eyes. All I can do is keep on living my life and pray they find their own truth. It’s tough, guys. Being empathic can really suck.
So to anyone out there in this same position, I feel for you and I’m here, too. I’m here just trying to navigate this crazy world, too. We’re all in this together even when we feel alone.